One of the areas of personal study is emotions. There are many frames of emotions. Good emotions, bad emotions. Low-frequency and high-frequency emotions. I’m not here to say how to view them but to report in my exploration what I am learning and the questions I’m now investigating.

Years ago, I heard Shawna Niquest say soemthing that I have never forgotten. I’m going to quote it to the best of my memory.

“Most people think they want money so they have the freedom to buy what they want when they want. Most people think they want time freedom so they can do what they want when they want. But what they are really looking for is freedom from themselves.”

I get the sense of this restless feeling from people. They are searching for something but aren’t even sure what it is. In my estimation and experience, people are searching for a sense of “wholeness.” All these philosophical constructions exist on what it is to be a “good” person. You can’t be angry because anger is destructive and leads to violence. Don’t be too sad or too much of a downer. Don’t be jealous; it is the thief of joy. There are so many things we are not to feel. I wonder, can any feeling be wrong?

I found freedom in allowing myself to feel what I feel without demonizing or judging it. The nuance has been in not overly identifying with it. When I read Dr. Hawkins write in the book “Letting Go,” anger is higher on the emotional scale because it is the point at which we take action, I saw anger in a whole new light. Anger has a utility. If someone is threatening your child, you get angry and you take action to protect your child.

Which has me thinking lately: Is it the same for jealousy? This is what I mean by not over-identifying it. Every emotion is an act of love from some part of you. It is doing its part to call out something within you that needs to be noticed. If I am jealous, that is okay. What is it telling me about me? That information gives me valuable insight into my subconscious belief system. If I quickly dismiss jealousy, then I don’t get that information.

I can’t help but wonder if it is an emotion that exists, then it is meant to be felt. I’m a visual person. I look at being human as a circle. Every time you make an emotion off limits, you cut your slice of that circle smaller and smaller. You restrict your human experience. Don’t try to escape the matrix. Understand how it is built so you can live fully in it.

I know there’s this image out there of the monk, who is even keel moment to moment and in absolute presence. We are sold a story that this is the ideal way to be, but what if it’s not? There’s a richness missing from it—the richness of a good family argument and an offensive joke that has you on the floor laughing. I am not sure if I am heading in the “right” right direction, but just allowing my self to wholly be human has been fucking awesome. Go humans!