Finding the driving purpose of my behaviors

The Red String of Fate

Have you ever experienced the void? A sort of liminal space between beliefs. I’ve been in this place recently, exploring and feeling what it means to be here. I don’t feel tied to any one belief, and I don’t seem to hold any strong convictions regarding what it means to be human. Today, I want to write about one of the practices I have been engaging with while waiting out here in the ethers of life.

The Red String of Fate felt like a great visual. I’ve been delving down the trail of “why?” Why do I do the things I do? Why did I give the answers that I gave? I’ve always wanted to help other people. Since I was a little girl, I would tell them I would grow up and help others. The capacity of how I would help changed throughout my life, but the core of it was always service to others.

To give some context, when I was a young child, one of my older sisters was diagnosed with Leukemia. It was brutal for her. My dad was initially overseas in Desert Storm. Our house flooded during one of her hospital stays. My family received help through organizations like Make-A-Wish. My mom’s co-workers would, on occasion, watch me and one of my other sisters.

That would seem virtuous enough, but if I ask why I want to help people, the answer is more about feeling like I need to do something significant with my life. Why do I need to do something significant with my life?

I’ve been going down the line of “whys” with many things in life. Even with good intentions, I find that the behavior is still about myself: needing to feel wise, needing to feel like the teacher, needing to feel important, and needing to feel like I am contributing. It is still about someone else fulfilling a need within me.

I’m not saying that helping others because you like to feel wise is wrong. For me, it creates the feeling of inauthenticity. It muddles intention. Writing here is a perfect example. I’m not writing for anyone but myself. These words feel authentic to me. My intention is to express myself outwardly without needing anyone to see it. My sense of accomplishment or fulfillment is internally created.

Through this process, I see that I have a deep-seeding feeling of not belonging, like to Earth in general. I’ve always felt this weight or like looking over my shoulder as if somehow I snuck onto earth and I’m not supposed to be here. I was the surprise 4th baby of an already failed marriage for context. So you can see how the need to be of importance, the need to be of value, or to do something great permeates.