Today, I am writing to work out a thought experiment. Funny enough, I was talking to my daughter during our history lesson on the western expansion of the United States and how life is rarely divisible into two distinct options. As I was sitting writing in my journal, I found myself writing on the state of existing, and I wondered if the idea life is “shades of grey” applies to the concept, “If you aren’t living, you are dying.”

I’ve noticed in my life, looking at the lives of people around me, family and friends, that so many people merely exist. My parents merely existed together. I never saw them do much of anything together, just the two of them, especially not with any intention. My mom did keep tight track of her money and was really good at managing it. Other than that, I never saw my parents take on and learn new tasks. There wasn’t any goal setting. My dad was a handyman on the side and would sort of fix things around our own house. My brother came down one spring and helped replace the rough. Besides that, my parents never sat down and planned a kitchen redo or created a garden in the back. I’m not trying to shit on my parents.

When I sat down and looked at it, especially working through my “why” exercises recently, I saw how my marriage is the same—existing together. Now, I have made hard decisions regarding work; I’ve changed careers twice, returned to school, and ultimately started working for myself. Oh, but how easy is it to simply exist. Exist in the same comfortable routine even if it is stressful. Maybe this is where so much of my restlessness comes from: fighting not to live a life of a slow death.

Being human is funny, how we can get stuck in these ruts that feel impossible to get out of, but if you are to take the God’s eye view, it’s not all that difficult. So much of your life you are sleep walking through, not really being aware and intentional. I know I want to live my life as a love letter. Entwining myself with aliveness at hand-, walks outside, reading great books, learning new things, dancing, deep connections with the people I love.

I’m not sure I’ve answered the question: is merely existing simply another way of saying a slow death? I don’t know that I’ve figured that part out. I’m unsure if this is where I intended to go with writing. But I know It’s time for bed, so I must end here.

Okay, I’m back. I don’t love this post. I want to delete it, but alas, I’m leaving my rambles up. I haven’t figured out how much editing I want to do, or if it’s write it, fix the basic grammar issues and post it. Today in homeschool, we learned about the Biosphere 2. The Biosphere 2, which is only a few hours form us, was ment to have people living there full time. In the end that didn’t work out. Life is complex and there is so much we don’t know. Again, we found ourselves talking about the idea of life and death. I think I can say, there is no mere surviving. You are either living or you are dying. Nothing in nature just is. It’s always in flux. It is growing (living) or dying. I think that physical principle can be applied not just to body, but also to mind and soul.