Today, I received an email from a company (individual) I hired to help with this website. She needed a tax form, and I had not provided one. Honestly, I spiraled. It was one of those moments. I had slept on the couch the night before. My youngest is running a fever and I myself don’t feel the best. Then this.

This hurt because I have a wound of being an idiot, a failure. Someone who starts something and never finishes. Someone who misses the details and ergo makes mistakes. I am working to figure out if I need to provide this form, but in the meantime, I’m trying not to spiral out of control. It’s not that these feelings aren’t shedding light on a truth about me. I do make mistakes. I do start things but not finish them. Also, I move on when something is not for me. I’m not afraid to try and learn new things.

This website is a beautiful work of art. My web designer hit it out of the park. But I designed it with the intention of working in the “healing” space. A couple of things have happened. My middle schoolmate was in a car accident and was going twice weekly to neurofeedback therapy. That took any time I had to work on my own business. I am also unsure how much I want to be in the spiritual space. It’s gotten kind of cult, and I admittedly have this quirk when something becomes popular; I tend to back away from it. There’s also the truth that I am a go-with-the-flow kind of person, and I struggle to add structure to my schedule. This leads to me thinking a lot about what I want to do but rarely getting it done. On top of the fact, I have kids with me all day, and that leads to a certain amount of unpredictability daily. Especially when you have to adhd boys who like to engage in dangerous endeavors.

I struggle to find the line of accountability and being realistic. Am I not getting done what I want to because I don’t feel aligned or because something is holding me back? Then I get annoyed because that answer is not very clear to me. Am I the only human like this?

Writing to myself again. Yes, this is online for anyone to read, but this is for me. This is a form of morning page practice. I start typing and let it come out. There is minimal editing (spelling, basic grammar). But there is not much editing as far as idea curation. That’s the point. I want to go back and read how I form and develop ideas. I was thinking today about how I struggle to explain what is in my head. If I ask you to complete a maze, but the maze is a spiderweb, where are the beginning and the ending? Thoughts exist in my head like a web, outside of time, outside the realm of linear thought.