I have this feeling. Maybe they aren’t feelings. Perhaps they are a sense we haven’t figured out yet. I’m unsure if finding words to label them regarding my experience is necessary. It would help in terms of explaining my experience of life. I haven’t written much because I’ve been trying to be for the sake of loving the moment and not trying to turn it into anything other than what it is. Also, after reading Steiner, I have thought a lot about using fewer words. Talking less so I can listen and experience more. I tend to be so wordy because of how the world exists within me, often in a web of feelings and pictures.

It’s like I am in a dance with life. There are brief moments of feeling deeply into the connection, but I seem only to brush past “it,” and then the feeling is gone. Lately, I have felt like I am on the edge or verge of being able to interact more deeply with life, but I haven’t quite figured it out. There isn’t anything missing in my life, so I don’t know why I have this restless feeling or if I’m waiting for something. When I say nothing is missing, it is not that my life is perfect but that I appreciate what I have. I am working to love and connect deeper to life. It’s like sinking and settling in.

When I look at what I want out of life, it is to love, connect, and feel deeper. It’s not about more; it’s about depth. It’s about connecting with what’s already there, integrating with what already is. I don’t know how to do these things. I check in with my intentions frequently. Who’s running my brain, my critical self or my loving self? To be clear, love does not mean having no boundaries or not being honest about how you can do better.

I can feel so close to truth and yet so far. I feel compelled to express these thoughts and also feel annoyed at how I write about these things day in and day out. Here are some things I am doing. Weak mind, strong mind. Am I in my weak mind or my strong mind? For example, I’m, at best, a mediocre cook. Maybe it’s food trauma from a dad who served in Vietnam, if you know, you know, so I don’t like playing around with recipes and failing. However, one way I can love more deeply is to cook nourishing and delicious meals for my family. We can connect deeper by intentionally creating meal time as a sacred time. We homeschool, so we are together all day, but it’s different when you say we are going to sit, have a deep conversation or laugh, play a card game, read some poetry, and then head off to all our perspective sports activities.

Getting off my phone is another one. I admit that I have an addiction. I listen to books and spend time listening to podcasts. It’s a tricky balance because most of what I am listening to is history, and I love it so much, but it has got to be present in my life. I am a go-with-the-flow person, but I need structure, but too rigid of a structure suffocates me. I think it’s time to go full nerd mode. To dedicate time to learning. Dedicate time to my history books.

The other thing I am doing is being intentional with my relationships and how I talk to others. I often ask myself if I am in my critical or loving voice when talking to my kids and husband. I can see that when I feel like I’m not capable of handling a situation (2 adhd boys), I get critical or avoid it. I get present, and I ask what is the most loving thing to do or say; again, it’s not that there are no consequences. Here’s an example: my middle child got in trouble and was going to spiral out of control. I learned a long time ago, adhd kids look for stimulation, so some unconscious parts of them like the fight, so what can I do not to give his brain that high? Next, redirect him in a way he can receive it. So, I invited him to work with me on creating social media posts for our company, and I would pay him.

Next, with my husband, the same thing. I am asking myself if I am in my loving voice. I am asking myself how I can love him more. The next step is to ask him how I can love him more. Being human is so complicated and so simple. I don’t want to neglect my feelings or wants and desires, but honestly, does anything matter more than to be close to the people you love most? To be a part of them, feeling safe and loved. Do they feel connected and seen? I take care of me. I get up at 4 am so I can write, meditate, work out, be ALONE, read, learn. I am taking belly dancing lessons. I’ve explored ju jitsu, would like to explore ballroom dancing. I am outside as much as possible, so I’m am loving myself a lot.

One thing I learned is that to love deeper; I need to let myself be and feel loved deeper. Every morning, I say that Love and Kindness meditation, “May you feel safe, May you feel happy, May you feel healthy, May you live life with ease.” I say this for my family and strangers. I visualize it. I see myself saying it to the person. One time during meditation, as I was saying it to my daughter at the edge of her bed, I felt a hand on my shoulder and someone saying it to me. I’ve been saying this prayer every day for years, and I never thought about anyone saying it to me. No one knows I say this prayer for them, so you reading this, you know. It had never occurred to me that someone would say it to me. That someone would wish me love, someone would wish for my happiness and health. I hope that I can live a life where someone would want to think of me and feel love towards me.